Hi there! So this will be a bit of a reflection post, partly for my own sake too, but feel free to read at your own ease. Looking back at where I was in January, as a new year came in, I wasn’t doing great, but I had a lot of hope. I also recognised that I shouldn’t put too much pressure on the whole ‘new year, new me’ element that comes with January. But I think subconsciously I still did. I wanted change to suddenly happened, I wanted it to.
I started off January quite positive, I was enjoying my job and trying my best with uni. But things quickly went downhill for me. With a breakup setting me back (as is normal when that happens), and my mental health declining, it was becoming clear that things had not changed magically, as I had so hoped for them to.
I have had a lot of low points with my mental health in the last years, but I’d say this year I hit one off the lowest. I got to the point where every small and insignificant task, was like the hardest thing to achieve. Getting out of bed, getting through the day without experiencing extremely dark thoughts, was simply not achievable.
And writing this in March, I can’t say I’ve come leaps and bounds. But I can say that I’m still here, and I can say that I’m still fighting. A lot of people will never realise, and I don’t wish them ill will because of it, just how debilitating it can be to live with mental illness. When the mental health awareness days quieten and the lifelines stop being shared, we are still here. We are still living our harsh reality everyday.
I found it hard to explain to people why I was struggling so much. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do basic things. But it’s not my fault, it never was my fault. I was doing my best, and that is all I could do.
I reached a point in the last month or so, that some decisions needed to be made. I wasn’t getting better, and I was scared of how much control my struggles had over me. I had to take some time off sick from work (I still am) and get my assignments deferred for a while so that I’d have a chance to pick myself up.
For now, I am trying my best. I am trying to take each day as it comes, live for the little things, and remind myself that it is okay to struggle. It is okay to take things at your own pace. Things will work out, and I know that one day I’ll look back at this period and be proud of myself for not giving up.